


Two Boys Named Connor

by zoeytheshadowhunter108



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Feels, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, comparison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 17:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13793031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeytheshadowhunter108/pseuds/zoeytheshadowhunter108
Summary: There are two boys named Connor, both born to different family's in different parts of the USA. I thought it'd be "fun" to compare and contrast these two characters. A walk through of the ups and mostly downs of the two boys' lives and how they compare to each other, without invalidating the seriousness of either event occurring. Staring Connor Murphy and Connor Mckinley. Another similarity I don't point out is that their initials are both CM. Just a short little one-shot.





	Two Boys Named Connor

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Homophobia, drug usage, suicide I'm not sure what else and I'm really sorry if I forgot to add something. It shouldn't be too triggering but please know yourself. I'll stop sounding like an adult please take care lovelies. I'm here if you ever need to talk or on instagram @dearalexander_bemorechill or on tumblr @dearevanhamiltonbemorechill I am here for you guys I've been depressed and dealt with internalized homophobia (even though I supported everyone else it was hard for me to come to terms with my own bisexuality due to the fear of my parents and my Christianity) and having suicidal thoughts. So please, don't keep it inside you. There are people who care, I care. Anyways, please enjoy and have an amazing day.

One boy named Connor was born into a Mormon family. He was taught to respect parents and authority. He was taught to be personally responsible, abstinence from sex and drugs. One boy named Connor was taught it was wrong to be gay. He had two brothers and one sister who all believed the same as he did, the same as his parents, yet he felt different. He is from Ohio. His name was Connor Mckinley.

 

One boy named Connor was born into a secular family. He was taught to respect parents and authority. He was also taught to be personally responsible, but that it was okay to have premarital sex as long as it was safe and consensual. He was taught to abstain from drugs. He was taught it was okay to be different and that love is love. He had one sister who was taught the same as he did, the same as his parents, he felt happy and loved. He is from Oregon. His name was Connor Murphy. 

 

Connor Mckinley was always different as a child. When other little boys wanted lego sets and baseball bats and balls, all Connor wanted was a pair of tap shoes. Rather than playing in a muddy field he wanted to be on the stage and in the spotlight. He soon realized his desires were wrong. His dreams to be on the stage were quickly bullied out of him and repressed, not that his parents cared. They were deeply invested in their community and church, too far to realize what was happening to their son who was only in 2nd grade and somehow friendless. They barely gave a sign they cared when their son had nobody show up to his birthday party that year, or any year. Even when he played the prince in their second grade production of Cinderella, they still didn’t notice him or give a sign they cared.

 

Connor Murphy was always different as a child. If you had asked his teachers, they would have shared about how angry with the world he always seemed. The kids would play jacks and 4 square, but disperse whenever Connor came to the scene. Rather than being allowed to play on the fields with the kids he was forced to the shadows, only searching for attention. He soon realized that was all he was meant for. A life in the shadows, the minute he’d try to step out into the sun to play he was bullied back into his corner at recess, not that his parents cared. They were too deeply invested in their careers to notice what was happening to their son who was only in 2nd grade and friendless. They barely gave a sign they cared when their son had nobody show up to his birthday party that year, or any year. Even when he accidentally threw a printer at the teacher, they still didn’t notice him or give a sign they cared. 

 

In 5th grade Connor Mckinley made his first friend in the entirety of his time at school. His name was Steve Blade and they immediately became best friends through their shared love of theater, and the fact that Steve was new and wouldn’t let anyone bully himself or Connor. But of course, one thing turned to another and soon Connor realized he was having really strange feelings for Steve. That soon ended when a year later Connor informed Steve of his feelings and became ridiculed for it. He told his parents of what had occurred between Steve and himself and their first reaction was to send him off to a Conversion Camp for his entire 6th grade in an attempt to “fix him”. His parents were more concerned about their appearances than they were for Connor so they lied. Instead of embarrassing themselves to the Church, they said he had gotten very ill and was bedridden. When he returned a year later, Connor wasn’t the same. Every time he encountered one of the thoughts he had been forced into thinking were wrong, he felt that phantom pain that he had grown accustomed to feeling. Even though that physical pain wasn’t there, he was so used to it he could practically feel it. He lied about whom he loved, that stereotypical blonde girl who was popular, Connor would make stories up about crushes while avoiding his true feelings. That was how he entered 7th grade and that was the beginning to Connor turning it off. 

 

In 5th grade Connor Murphy made his first friend in the entirety of his time at school. His name was Jared Kleinman and they became friends through their shared hatred of their parents and classmates. They were still bullied but they didn’t let it get to them as much. But of course nothing in Connor’s life could be simple, and he quickly developed a crush on his best friend. These feelings, of course, ended a year later when Connor informed Jared of his feelings and was mocked for it. He told his parents, but they paid little attention to him and left him to his own devices. He isolated himself further than he ever had, never daring to go near Jared ever again. He punished himself internally every time he thought he could be normal or have that kind of friendship again.His father cared more about their appearance, his mother tried sending him to counseling. Cynthia just wanted her little boy back but she wasn’t sure when she had lost him. By the time a year had passed he was suicidal and had been pestered into trying drugs far too many times. He gave in to the peer pressure from people he had never met before, he had spent his entire 6th grade year saying no to drugs and had finally had enough. The drug usage had stopped his suicide attempts for the time being. That was how he entered 7th grade and that was when Connor started to become numb to the world. 

 

By senior year, Connor Mckinley had already been in mission training for a year. He was ready to leave on a mission, still pushing down and denying his true feelings. Connor wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to or if it was what his parent’s wanted. Everyone knew and thought of Connor as the perfect guy, the incorruptible. A year after graduation he would be off to a place better than Ohio. Connor hoped for New York, his one piece of rebellion was his continued involvement in theater. So Connor continued the facade that he was okay and that nothing was wrong. That was when he gave up tap dancing after years of doing it. Then, he finally gave up Theater, all those hours once spent on rehearsal were now used for volunteering at senior centers and church events. Whenever someone looked for him he was found in parks, playing with the children in the church. Yet he still felt empty and tired of hiding his true feelings. Connor just wanted the secrecy to end and to let all his true feelings out. All he wanted was a sign that it was okay to be him. Lost in the teachings of the Church was a boy all alone and scared, yet the love he felt seemed pure and real. 

 

By senior year, Connor Murphy had been known as the kid to stay away from for the past year. He was ready to leave the hell everyone else called school, not really caring about anything else but ending all the pain he felt. Connor wasn’t sure if he was ready to take that final step to ending it all or not. Everyone knew and thought of Connor as the school druggy, the corrupted. A year after graduation...well Connor wasn’t even sure if he’d still be around. He wanted to, his one dream was to move to New York or somewhere on the East Coast far from his parents and everyone who knew him in Oregon. His one secret was how much time he spent volunteering at local homeless shelters. Connor just wanted everything to be okay and to have a friend. That was when he started stealing pills. Then he found a note in the school computer lab and decided it expressed everything he needed to say and it was time to let go. He was found unconscious on a park bench, empty pill bottle in hand, that feeling of isolation left inside him for eternity. All he had needed was a sign that someone cared, that he was not alone. Instead he wasn’t found in time to be saved or helped. Lost in the crowd was a boy all alone and scared, wishing he had been saved sooner.

 

A year later Connor left for his mission in Uganda, he was now mission leader. He learned he wasn’t the only one who had turned it off, but still couldn’t bring himself to acceptance of his feelings. He and his fellow Elders normalized themselves with the fact that they all secretly turned off their feelings. Until Kevin Price walked in. Kevin showed all of the Elders of District 9 it was okay to feel things, and with Arnold’s help they created a new religion where it was okay to feel things and still believe in God. A religion that preached about how it was okay to be yourself. The messages they shared with the Ugandans were ones that everyone needed to hear. Three years later he and Kevin were happily married, Connor found himself capable of overcoming all he had suffered in his childhood. Their love was the pure love Connor had always wanted. When reflecting on his life Connor remembered the bad times, but then realized it was better to focus on the now, to keep moving forward, instead of focusing on all the bad things that occurred--not forgetting them-- and to move on in the happy life he and his husband now had.

 

A year later Connor’s funeral had come and gone. The Connor Project was ended, but through it the message still rang clear “You Will Be Found”. Those words would never be forgotten, the reminder that no matter what someone will come running to you. The message that if help is needed someone is always there for you. Even if the message is a tweet, or a comment, it is always heard. If only he had known that people did care, maybe he could’ve gotten the help he really needed. Evan Hansen gave him the words he felt inside but couldn’t seem to find to say goodbye, but also a short friendship while he had been alive. Connor was gone but never forgotten. Three years later Evan and Zoe would go on to name their first child after Connor, in honor of who Connor had been, before depression and drug abuse had taken over his life. The boy who told knock knock jokes about why the chicken would cross the road and really did enjoy his childhood years despite all the bullying. He had been forced to give up on the world and any hope he had had for it due to a flaw in society, if he had been given the chance, maybe he could've fulfilled his true purpose in life instead of being robbed of it far too early.


End file.
